Of Guilt and Decisions
by purelyromantic
Summary: Set during "New Moon". While Bella sleeps after returning from Italy, Edward contemplates....not all too cheerful thoughts. Alice sees this and doesn't like what she sees. Alice's POV, dealing with Jasper's guilt and Edward's indecsion. First fanfic EVER!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any part of this story. It all belongs to the wonderful, incredibly talented Stephenie Meyer. Thank you for inspiring me!

**Author's Note: **This idea suddenly occured to me while reading "New Moon" for the zillionth time. I always knew Jasper would be guilty especially if his actions, however distantly, lead to a near suicide of Edward's. And who else would have to deal with that but Alice.

This was going to be a one-shot but sort of spiralled out of control. You know how it is. Characters have a mind of their own!

Enjoy! Its my first fanfic EVER!

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This was driving me crazy…

I told my family that I was going to hunt but I didn't really need to. More than anything I wanted some time to myself. To think. To try and understand what had nearly happened. I wanted to believe it had been one of my horrible visions that eventually didn't come true.

Well, it didn't really. But the thought that it nearly did was just as frightening.

I didn't know what scared me more. The fact that the Volturi nearly killed all of us or Bella, or the fact that my brother had seriously contemplated and nearly committed suicide.

The thought of it sent a wave of pain through me…

This was exactly why I needed to get away from everyone for a while. I was driving Jasper insane with worry at my tormented feelings and even the others could sense the tension. And they were all in varying degrees of emotional upheaval themselves.

Carlisle and Esme were as shattered as any parent would be. They truly thought of us as their children and Edward had been with them the longest. Especially with Carlisle. And though Esme joined the family later she had taken over the role of being Edward's mother with all the pleasure and love her heart could hold. I could tell that both were blown away by the fact that he nearly died and faint with relief that it never happened.

Emmett looked like he had been punched in the gut. And this was saying something about the strongest Cullen. He had put on a brave face at the airport for Bella's sake. Not that she would have noticed-she could hardly stand straight for drowsiness. The girl took stubborn to a whole new level. But my normally playful, happy-go-lucky brother had never looked less cheerful in his life. Edward was the one he connected to the closest in our family apart from Rosalie. It was amazing how Edward could drop his constant seriousness and loosen up when with Emmett. My theory was that Emmet was as good a companion for Edward as Edward was to Emmett. The thought of Edward gone forever had shaken him considerably.

Rose was still rocked with guilt. I would never cease to be amazed at Edward's patience with her. I loved Rose, but her self-centered nature got on my nerves often. It would be a long time before I completely forgave her for so callously calling Edward. The least she could have done was discussed it with us…. Her antagonistic attitude towards Bella was irritating to say the least. Edward claimed he understood why even though he didn't agree with her. He wouldn't tell us what his reasons were, and none of us expected him to. He respected Rose's privacy even though she obviously respected very little of his. I hoped she would get her priorities straight at least now.

And Jasper….

I could hear footsteps running towards me. I knew it was my husband. I was surprised he had let me be alone even this long.

I turned around a few moments after he had come to a standstill…

"Alice…?"

I wordlessly held my hand out to him.

He was at my side in an instant, one hand softly caressing my face. His eyes silently asked me if I was all right.

"Better," I whispered. "Just confused…and hurt. I can't believe it nearly came true." I wound my arms around his neck.

"It's all over now," he said holding me close.

I let myself be calmed by him. I didn't need his ability of controlling emotions to relax me. It was natural when he held me like this.

Suddenly he tensed.

I pulled out of his embrace. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said much too quickly. He tried to hug me back to his body.

I wasn't giving in. "Jasper…" I said a warning in my voice.

He bit his lip. He looked so helpless and vulnerable. I knew I was the only person he let his guard down with. He wouldn't let anyone else know how insecure he felt. Especially when it was so much harder to control his thirst. I alone knew he felt ashamed and unworthy to be in Carlisle's family.

I didn't need a vision to know what he was going to say…

"This was all my fault," he said in a broken voice.

"Hush love," I said placing my finger on his lips. His eyes still looked agonized. I knew this had been boiling up in him though I waited for him to initiate the topic. He had been getting less depressed about the whole thing after we moved from Forks. Of course Edward was rarely with us to remind him and he never saw Bella after that.

But now I could tell the events and intense anxiety of the past few days had made everything come crashing down on him again.

"No!" he said forcefully. I removed my finger from his mouth. Agony changed to anguish. "It _is _Alice, don't' you see?" He let go of me and walked away. I let him go knowing that he needed to get this off his chest.

"I started this. If only I didn't- if only I could have had more control-if I wasn't such a slave to my thirst…" His voice broke. It broke my heart to hear that. I couldn't bear to see him in pain.

I went to him and wrapped my arms around him from behind. He brought his hands up to hold mine.

"It was what I did on Bella's birthday that made Edward decide to leave. We both know that." His voice sounded lifeless. Dead. "If I hadn't….attacked her, he wouldn't have left her"

"You know that Edward always thought it might come to this," I gently reminded him. "He always wondered when something would happen that would lead to the only choice. In _his_ mind at least."

He sighed. "But did I have to be the one to help make up his mind?" he said softly. I tightened my hold on him. "Edward has always been someone I could relate to. I truly think of him as my brother and I hated knowing I caused him so much pain. Both by nearly killing the woman he loves and by separating them."

He turned around to face me. "And I know how intensely he would have been hurting. I only have to imagine existing without you to feel that pain. How he did it for all this time I have no idea."

He cupped my face in his hands, "And because of my lack of self-control, not only did I nearly lose a brother, I nearly lost you as well…" If vampires had the ability to cry I swear both of us would have been. "You don't know how I tortured myself wondering how I would exist if you never returned. And I realized the depth of Edward's feeling for Bella. I always wondered how he could be with her and not resist the temptation. But I understand how, if you love someone, you will move heaven and earth to keep them safe…"

I decided it was time he stopped tormenting himself.

I placed my hands over his on my face and looked him straight in the eye. "Jasper Whitlock Hale." I said slowly and softly. "You will not blame yourself over so many things that you never could have known were to happen. All you did was act on natural instincts. How many times has Carlisle explained that it goes against our nature to deny ourselves of human blood?"

He didn't look convinced.

"You made a mistake. That's all love. And none of us hold you to it. We all look out for each other. That's what families do. That's what we are here for. We were there for Edward when he was so tempted by Bella at the beginning. And we will do the same for all. Bella never blamed you and neither did Edward. None of us do"

"That just makes it worse"

"Edward was always looking for reasons to see himself as the bad person. The monster." I said somewhat bitterly. My brother had serious self-esteem issues. "You know how he thinks. Eternally damned and all that."

Finally! The hint of a smile.

"He would have found some way to blame himself no matter whose fault it was."

"As for me," I continued, "I returned. The whole time I was in Italy, I had only three things in mind. Save Edward, keep Bella out of trouble and return to you."

I leaned toward him and gently pressed my lips against his. He responded equally gently.

I broke away and whispered, "So promise me you will stop blaming yourself…"

He sighed and leaned his forehead against mine. "I will."

I smiled though I knew he was just saying that for my benefit. But I knew he would deal with it on his own. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on the fact that no one had died and we were all with the people we loved once again. We hadn't discussed this yet but I had a feeling things would go back to normal again. I cheered up at the thought of more quality time with Bella. I loved having her in my life. She was a much better sister to me than Rose and we connected despite our opposite personalities. And the happiness she brought Edward only made me love her that much more. I snuggled into Jasper's embrace and thought of better times ahead.

Or not.

My body stiffened as sudden pictures flashed through my mind. They were blurred and constantly changing, which meant nothing was decided…

No. _No!!!!!_

"Alice? Alice!" Jasper's voice shook me out of my vision. "What is it? What did you see?"

My answer was a tortured whisper "Edward…"

"What about him?" Jasper's voice was urgent with worry.

"He's thinking of leaving her again"

Jasper was stunned into silence.

"After all this….?" He couldn't finish his sentence.

"He hasn't decided. He's just thinking it's for her best…" I trailed off.

Suddenly I was angry. This was taking selflessness to another extreme. How dare he simply assume that Bella would be all right without him? He refused to listen to me earlier when I told him leaving her was a bad idea. And it was the worst. According to Charlie, when I came back to Forks, Bella was a lot better. I shuddered remembering how thin she had looked and how there was a dead-ness in her eyes that never left. Like she had given up living and just existed because she must. If that was how she looked when she was 'better' how had she been earlier? How could my usually intelligent brother have deluded himself into believing that Bella would simply move on? He was insane. She may have not jumped off a cliff this time but if he left her again, I didn't need a vision to know for certain that she would willingly kill herself. Could he really not see how much she needed him as much as he needed her? _Men! _I thought.

I looked at Jasper.

"I think I need to have a word with Edward" I murmured.

"Go", he said. This was why I loved him. He understood the implications of what I said without my having to explain.

I gave him a swift kiss and ran off to Bella's house.

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**A/N:** Sorry to leave a cliff hanger! =)

Just a note on Jasper's personality- I know he is the one Cullen who doesn't show emotions, but that's in Bella's eyes. I personally feel he would show all his insecurities in fronnt of Alice! Ater all she is his soul-mate.

Please, please, please review! I'll post chapter 2 depending on the reviews!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any part of this story. It all belongs to the wonderful Stephenie Meyer. Thank you for inspiring me!

**Author's Note: **Thank you to everyone who was so kind to take the time to review. I really, really appreciate and I must say, it encouraged and made my muse so happy things just kept flowing =) It has also given me ideas for more stories that I can't wait to try out.

I just want to mention two authors, Subtlynice and BlueSea14, whose beautiful stories helped inspire me. Especially for this chapter. Check out their stories-they are amazing! Thank you to both of you…

I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as the other!

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I got to Bella's house in record time. Even for a vampire. I needed to convince Edward he was out of his mind to think leaving her again would make anything better. I knew he wouldn't appreciate my interrupting his time with Bella. But I _had _to talk to him before Bella woke up and he said something stupid to her.

I scaled the wall and sat on the windowsill.

He was lying on the bed with Bella, an arm protectively cradling her to his chest. She, in turn was, even in unconsciousness, lying as close to him as possible, clinging to him, as if she was afraid he would leave her again. Her thoughts were not that far off, I thought wryly.

He was gazing at her face with an intensity that made my still heart ache. It was as if he was trying to memorize every small detail of her face. I didn't have the heart to speak.

Edward knew I was there. He would have heard my thoughts long before he heard the sounds of my footsteps and the sound of my climbing the wall. But he gave no sign that he had seen nor heard me. His gaze never left Bella's face.

I looked at her carefully. The last few days' tension was visible on her face. The dark circles on her face were prominent. I knew these were not just from her lack of sleep while in Italy and on the way back. To our sharp eyes, signs of depression were still clear. It may have fooled human eyes but I knew she was a mess.

Edward winced.

I knew he could hear what I was thinking. See the images I could see. Under normal circumstances I'd refrain from thinking about such things in his presence. But I felt he needed to see this. And the images I was subjecting him to at the moment were mild…

"Alice!" he hissed, too low for human ears. "Would you _not?_"

I ignored that comment.

_We need to talk_ I thought to him.

"Not now." His voice was a growl.

I sighed. _I know you want to spend every second with her. And I understand, I really do. But-_

"Then leave, Alice!" he cut me off. "I want to be with her alone. It's been so long…" his voice, laced with longing, trailed off as he softly ran his fingers over her face.

_Only to leave her again….?_

He froze.

"You know." It was a statement. Not a question.

I gave an exasperated sigh, "Of course I know," _And I think you're completely out of your mind._

His face remained blank. Only his eyes blazed with a thousand emotions. He still didn't look up from Bella's face.

"I haven't decided anything." He said softly, nearly a whisper.

_And that's why I'm here. To make sure you don't make the wrong decision._

Edward was silent. At times like this I wished _I _had his ability instead of him. He thought way too much for his own good. Thoughts that we didn't know.

_Edward please….what's going on in that head of yours?_

He finally raised his head and met my eyes.

It was a good thing I had seen this conversation in my mind before. If not, the utter desperation of his conflicted emotions might have knocked the breath out of me. Not that I needed it.

He seemed at a loss for words.

"I-I don't want to leave Alice…" he said brokenly. My heart ached at his obvious pain. "I can't be without her. It hurts too much. Never in all my hundred years have I felt this kind of pain. An ache that can never be assuaged. Except by her…"

_Then don't leave._

"But I must. I should."

That was the crux of the matter. A battle between what he should do and what he wanted to do. This was Edward. Always placing the needs of others above his own. So much so, he never considered that he himself was among those that some people needed.

Like Bella, like our whole family…

_Explain that to me Edward…_

He glared. "What do I need to explain? You know as well as I do that I'm not good for her. My life, our lifestyle, she is too good to be in it. Too pure. She's better off without me."

_Really? _I thought sarcastically. _You could've fooled me. _And I unleashed my thoughts on him. It was cruel really. But I could think of no other way to make him understand what his absence had done to her.

I saw him freeze and his face twist in anguish as image after image of Bella as soon as I met her when I returned to Forks, flashed through my mind, interwoven with the conversation I had with Charlie. Her eyes, rimmed with circles, _"throwing around words like catatonic", _the image of her flinging herself off the cliff, with an expression of one who has let go of all, _"she was….empty. Her eyes were dead", _her hysterical joy at seeing me, which showed how much she had missed us, the dead look in her eyes looking even more dead if that were possible, _"she flinched at the littlest things", _when even hints and insinuations of Edward arose in our conversation, Bella losing consciousness at merely a horrified whisper of Edward's name, _"I still hear her screaming in her sleep…."_

"Alice please….!" My brother's strangled whisper broke through my thoughts. His eyes were closed as if it would shield him from my onslaught.

I'd apologize later.

_Better off is she, Edward?_

He was silent.

"When are you going to realize, Edward that she needs you too? You saw what a mess she was. Us leaving, you leaving did _nothing_ to help her. You both need each other." I said fiercely. "Stop believing you are not good for anybody. You are. You think you are damned. How can anyone with your selflessness be damned? You tore yourself away from her because you believed it was best for her. The only thing wrong with that is that you never thought _you_ are what she needs. So if you really want to be selfless then don't you dare move from her side. Ever!"

He looked mildly surprised at my outburst.

"And while you're thinking about selflessness, you might want to take the rest of your family into consideration. Do have any idea what Carlisle and Esme went through? Emmet, Jazz, even Rose"

_And me? Did you consider me? _I couldn't bear to speak this out. I couldn't even think coherent thoughts. For the first time I surrendered myself to the collage of emotions that had flooded through me ever since I had that horrifying vision not far from here. Hand in hand with the intense fear was the intense grief.

I wanted him to feel the pain that I felt.

I could not remember my human family. When I joined Carlisle and his family it hadn't been difficult for me to see them as, father, mother, brothers and sisters. And out of all my siblings I was closest to Edward. Perhaps because he was the only one, until now, who didn't have a partner. Perhaps it was because we both had abilities that made it possible to have the intimate, private conversations that I cherished. Perhaps because those same abilities revealed so much about us to each other that others never knew. I had a bond with him, a special bond, one that I was fiercely protective of.

Too bad that if I wanted to punish the cause for nearly severing that bond, I would wind up severing it myself.

I let the hurt wash over me as I tentatively raised my eyes to meet his. If I could cry my eyes would have been swimming now.

_Don't you love me?_

"Alice I…" Edward rose from the bed. He looked as if it hurt him physically to be away from Bella, but for one selfish moment I was glad he did. He came towards me and raised my chin to look me in the eye.

"I'm sorry," he said simply. I heard all he didn't say. Sincerity rang in every syllable. He _was _sorry that he had put us through all the agony. But in his eyes I also saw a plea for understanding.

_I know why you did it Edward, we all do. _I thought. _We just don't think you needed to put yourself in that position in the first place. _

His hand dropped and I saw an echo of the conflicted emotions rise in his black eyes again as he looked back at Bella's sleeping form.

Black eyes…

"You should hunt" I said, veering away from the topic at hand for a moment. Not that I wanted to but the last thing we needed was any bloodlust to complicate his already mixed up feelings.

"I'm fine," he answered shortly.

My eyes narrowed.

He looked at me again and smiled sadly, "Really, Alice, I don't need to hunt. The last thing I would even instinctively do is harm her. It seems I now reflexively repel my more primitive instincts."

I understood. He _couldn't _hurt her.

Unknowingly this placed my argument in a better place.

_And you still think you aren't good enough for her? _I queried.

I could see the answer in his eyes.

_She needs you Edward… She wants you._

"How can you be sure?" he asked, sounding agonized again. "After all I did, how can she want me still? And even if she does how can it be that she wants just me? We are able to attract our prey." He nearly spat out the last sentence.

I clenched my teeth.

_Edward, give her some credit! _I snapped. _Her feelings for you have not resulted from our abilities to attract a meal. She loves you for you! I know you don't think much of yourself but she does! Your mind, your thoughts, your ideas, your values, everything._

I could tell he didn't quite believe me. "And you would know this how?" he inquired.

"Woman's intuition," I shot back.

He couldn't resist smiling a little. I realized how much I missed it. We all needed a lot more smiling and a lot less moping, in my opinion.

"Really Edward, Bella and I used to talk too you know," I said, smiling alittle myself. "It wasn't all shopping."

The smile grew slightly bigger.

"That's what she tells me too… And," he eyes had a feverish desperation, "I _want _to believe it. I _do! _But…" he broke off unable to find the words.

"She's willing to give up the life she knows for you, Edward," I said quietly, "You know what I've seen. What does that tell you?"

His eyes hardened as the image of Bella, beautiful, pale, with amber eyes swam into my mind.

"I'm merely trying to illustrate the extent of her feelings. She loves you." I said simply. "Don't put yourself down so much. You're worth caring about."

"I won't allow it!" he growled.

Another picture flashed through my head.

_Well you'll get to hear what she thinks soon enough._ I told him._ She'll be up in a few minutes. _

He suddenly looked wary.

"One last thing Edward," I said, "I know you don't believe in anything more for our kind, that we are forever doomed to the pits of hell but think about this. If we, if _you_ are so damned as you think, then how in the world did you end up with someone, who is not only an incredibly wonderful person but who also made you so happy?"

It was the argument I knew he couldn't argue with. And from his rather stunned expression I could tell I had hit the bull's eye.

"Make the right decision, Edward, please," I said softly. "I love you and Bella too much to lose either of you" _Don't deny me both my sister and my brother…_

Something stirred in his black eyes.

_She needs us. All of us. You know she needs protection…_

His face tightened. He didn't need to hear my thoughts to remember Victoria or the wolves Bella kept company with. Trust her to walk right into what was most dangerous.

_I'll see you later _I thought and turned back to the window.

"Alice," he called.

I turned, smiling slightly. Of course I knew what he was going to say.

He stared at me intently, holding my shoulders, "I _do _love you," he said softly, answering my earlier question, "Very, very much."

And he leaned towards me and gently kissed me on the forehead.

"Never again…" I whispered.

"Never," he confirmed.

I smiled at him and pushed him gently towards Bella's bed again. "Go to her. I'll talk to you at home."

"Thank you, Alice. For…..everything".

_Anytime_ I thought as I leaped out the window, landing soundlessly on the damp ground and started running towards home.

The pictures in my mind cleared suddenly…

_Edward holding Bella's face in his hands, his lips on hers, kissing her as if trying to convey all the love he had for her in that one kiss, Bella responding with equal fervor, their hands caressing each other's face, as if trying to remember the details they had lived without for so long…._

_And finally, Edward breaking away only to lay his head against her heart and say, "By the way, I'm not leaving you…"_

I heaved a sigh of relief.

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**A/N: **So what's the verdict? Is it ok? Please review. I'm addicted to them…

I've been playing around with ideas to do this from Jasper and/or Edward's POV. What do you think? And if its from Edward's POV to continue into "The Truth" chapter in the book? Would love to hear your suggestions….


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